Can I be completely honest with myself and still be a Christian? - part IV

And so, I am lost.

I stand upon a desert isle looking around trying to find out how i got here and is Anyone ELSE out THERE.

I don't know. I can stand around and speculate. I look around and see what i can find. I can ask other people and see what they think and what they've found. But they are no better off than me. Everyone else seems also to be standing alone on an isle in need of an answer.

I can conclude. Yep. This is all there is. I don't see another Grand-One controlling things. I don't see a father figure, all-knowing, all-powerful Being ruling this grand universe or my tiny floating rock island. No one else is out there. Yep. I am alone - just you and me - and this rock island - and the few other things i see growing and crawling around.

But i can start studying. I can look around.

It wouldn't be right for me to just stand here and complain that the universe hasn't blatantly revealed itself to me. And God, if he exists, he should've just been obvious. Maybe i have to work to find out. Maybe i have to struggle through this exploration of the world (science) to find what i can find. Maybe to conclude that He is not there, because He's not made himself obvious to me is just plain stupid and arrogant on my part. Who the heck do i really think i am. Maybe (just maybe), it's not all about me. Or you.

[But I've already concluded that God can't be discovered through the obvious or through scientific instruments that extend the obvious. So now I'm just going in circles.]

....hmmmm... maybe it ain't about me ... i'm still tempted to complain though.... i'm kind of whiny and expecting and needy by nature... but that's just me... i'm a whiny-baby.

Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh !!!

Help! Somebody give me answer!

Crap. Nobody's out there. Or he's not listening. Or he's mad at me. Or he just don't care. Or he's a deaf-mute. Or he's just not there. Or He's there, but my preferred means of communication and way of knowing isn't His way of communication and knowing. Maybe i am in some kind of strange problematic fix of space and time that makes me this hampered creature that i am. Maybe i am some kind of remnant genetic adaptation that's just plain fucked up.

But... as hard as i try... i can't pretend i don't know this other story... this one i keep trying to forget. I keep trying to disbelieve. One i desperately don't want to believe, but at the same time can't deny that i've heard.

This crappy guy named Jesus Christ. Yes. He screws everything up. If you listen to him (or actually the words his students CLAIMED he said), he messes up everything. If he hadn't come along, or if i hadn't heard his story and his words, i'd be a simple scientific atheist asshole (not that atheists are assholes, but I would be definitely.)

Thanks Jesus. Thanks for screwing it all up. Why did you come and say all you said and die and then all you dang diciples who claimed he came back from the dead and walked around and revealed other things and said all this stuff about God. Then these dang disciples had to go and actually BELIEVE all that they said and all that they saw and then say all that they said they saw! What the heck?! You guys were making all that up, right? Then why'd you take it all the way to your graves? This story should've died on the vine. Or faded into another myth.

You all sure did make a big splash in this human drama. For just one guy and 12 followers, you set the world on fire.

Jesus - you said things that make all the difference in the world. I've got to reconsider everything now.

What? You don't even know what all he's said? You bum! You lazy bum! You're as whiny as me - almost.

(gee.... have i gone schizo now? maybe. but at least i'm moving. it gets tiring just standing in a corner beating myself all the time... geez, haven't i been this route before.... it looks familiar... how'd i get all the way back to the starting block? ... i forget things soooooooooo easily.... [sigh!]...[grooooan!].... [sigh some more.])