Sitting in a high school psychology class as a kid once, after I replied to the teacher that I indeed could tell when people lied or told the truth, I got nearly laughed out of the room.
Certain people can detect lying. I developed a certain amount of this skill growing up. Interestingly enough, many people learned this perceptibility as a child growing up in families where discerning the truth felt essential.
Nowadays, I'm not so sure I ever was good at detecting lies or truths. Worse - I don't even care. Desire for truth itself has faded.
I may be molting in the squeeze between cynicism and despair.
Is this what getting old is about?
Desire. Let's pick a basic one. Sex. All my life sex was something that had to be controlled, minimized, and suppressed. Except in marriage where it's nice, but controlled still in a somewhat different way.
Now I find after years of suppressing desires themselves, these desires are respondinging. They are fading. I'd be happy to have some desires.
Food doesn't appeal to me. I have no passionate hobbies. Everything is pretty much boring. Drinking and catching a buzz has gotten old - again. I don't even desire to play music much anymore. I've about given up on it. Is this what growing old is like? Or is this just my old friend Mr. Depression cementing his roots into my arteries?
Don't know.
But I do know this (tip-o-hat to Caveman Lawyer) - I don't like this feeling of getting old.
Truth? Love? Sex? ... Eat? drink? And be merry?
My Grandfather often would quote to me as a child the whole last chapter of Ecclesiastes in the Bible. There is a warning there of years to come when a person "has no pleasure" and when "desires fade away." That part of the quote used to puzzle me. I just couldn't fathom it.
I feel it now.
I stand face to face in a doorway to the last phases of my life.
It looks like big, dark and empty.
I don't want to go in.
(But of course, I just can't stand here looking stupid either.)
It's been awhile since you had a little one to help prepare for this world. Don't be passive about it, nor domaineering (sp?). That little guy can bring lots of joy to that otherwise empty existence of which you spoke. Besides, grandparents get all of the perks (spoiling, etc.) and manage to avoid most of the negative aspects (discipline, etc.) of raising a child. Personally, I think that grandchildren are grandparents' revenge on their own children; you did your time, enjoy this new phase of your life...afterall, you're not dead yet. Just don't raise him to be a cynic.
ReplyDeleteI'll be lucky to be much of a direct influence on his life at... and if so, the last thing I'd want to do is poison him with the curse of cynism. Lord knows, i've tried to keep this disease under control. :)
ReplyDeleteCynism, like many things, is insidious in its manifestation.
ReplyDeleteBe This:
ReplyDeleteThat old junkyard dog ready to take on any pup lookin to infiltrate thy mind...even if unseen!! I've never experienced big dark, and empty. I've been close...but I just keep choppin' wood. Don't give up big guy, I WON'T LET YA...Tone